Having experienced Valentine’s Day just over a month ago, along with the relational fervor that was attached to it, I am reminded of what a beautiful gift the act of giving really is, and how it can be made much more positive with a little perspective.

Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer are both fans of quoting studies showing that acts of giving are related to increased levels of serotonin (the feel-good neurotransmitter) for both the giver, and the receiver.  In other words, an act of giving can be just as good for your sense of happiness as a moderate dose of anti-depressant medication! 

If these studies are true, the act of either giving or receiving a gift can very significantly increase your sense of well-being by shifting your brain chemistry.  How does this affet your health?  A recent study presented by the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America revealed that “negative affective states such as depression are associated with premature mortality and increased risk of coronary heart disease, type 2 diabetes, and disability.”, and “positive well-being is directly related to health-relevant biological processes.”¹  Bottom line: your health depends on how you feel. 

This is great news for those people who make it a habit to give gifts to others, and feel really good about doing it.  But what if you are not one of those people?  What if you tend to feel obligated to give gifts?  What if you’re just forgetful, and you always miss birthdays or anniversaries?  What if you are the kind of person that feels guilty when you receive a gift, knowing that you didn’t spend the same amount on the gift you bought them?  What if someone you gave a gift to doesn’t seem as excited as you expected when they received it?  Still happy?  Probably not.  Are you making yourself sick?  What can you do about it?

According to Wayne Dyer, “When you change the way you look at things, the things that you look at change.”  Keeping your perspective tuned to what matters most will help to keep the act of giving a positive experience.  Below are the top 5 reminders for maintaining a healthy attitude when gift-giving.

Top 5 Reminders for the Givers to Keep Gift-Giving Positive

1. Don’t get attached to the outcome.  When we give a gift, the intention is to make someone feel special, or put a smile on their face.  If you get the impression that the person doesn’t like the gift, don’t get disappointed.  Remember that you cannot control their reactions.  Keep the gift-receipt, and keep the good feelings.
2. Remember the person, not the occasion.  When we give a gift, we are celebrating our relationship with the person, not celebrating the occasion.  Focus on attaching love to the gift, not a dollar value.  If you miss a special occasion, mention this as soon as possible, and let them know that it’s your memory, and not a measure of how much you care.  Make it a habit to regularly give them compliments or small gifts on ordinary days, so the slip-up is not as significant to the other person.
3. Be creative.  Most people will tell you that they prefer a creative gift rather than an expensive one.  When a person can tell that you put a lot of time or effort into making a gift, it is usually appreciated more.  They know the gift is coming from your heart instead of Wal-mart.
4. Stay within a reasonable budget.  If you’re going to buy a gift, don’t overspend.  If you are giving to a spouse or a relative, you both know how much you can afford.  If you overspend, neither of you will feel good about the exchange.  Make sure that the financial considerations are never given a second thought.  This will keep the act of giving a net-positive experience.
5. Practice being unconditional.  Give without an expectation for a gift in return.  This is the true meaning of giving. 

Top 5 Reminders for the Receivers to Keep Gift-Giving Positive

1. Increase the value of the gift with appreciation.  When you focus on what you received, and appreciate it, you increase its value.  When you criticize what you receive, you decrease its value.  It’s a matter of perspective.  Keep in mind that many people in this world won’t even get to eat a meal on their birthday.  Focus on how lucky you are.  Feeling fortunate adds to the feel-good experience.
2. Say thank you.  This is often the only give-back that the giver would like to receive from you.  Acknowledging the gift is another way of appreciating the value of giving.
3. Remember the relationship, not the stuff.  It’s the thought that counts.  No matter what shape or size the package comes in, the person who gave the gift to you valued the relationship enough to be thinking of you.  They took the time to give you a reminder that they care about you.  Focus on the caring, not only the sharing.
4. It’s not a competition.  Gift-giving can sometimes be stressful when it is made into a competition.  Thoughts about who-gave-what-to-who takes away from the feeling-good potential of the act of giving.  When you receive a gift, you should never get stressed by thinking that you have to give a bigger or better gift in return. 
5. Practice being unconditional.  Remove expectations and obligation from the act of gift-giving.  Look forward to the next opportunity of sharing and caring, and focus on how fortunate you are that others are thinking of you. 

Be aware of your reactions.  When you catch yourself having negative thoughts related to a gift exchange, think again.  Keep your perspective in check.  If your relationship with the other person is worth exchanging a gift with them, neither of you would want the other to feel bad.

Finally, set the expectations about giving early on in a relationship.  If your wife likes to receive flowers, don’t give chocolates.  If she doesn’t like surprises, don’t surprise her.  Keep in mind that the intent of giving, and the result, should be related to good feelings.  Often it is the smaller, seemingly insignificant shows of affection that get the most genuine responses.  Give from your heart, not just your wallet.

Dr. Christian Guenette

The Common Sense Coach^TM

Reference:

Steptoe A, Wardle J, & Marmot M.  Positive affect and health-related neuroendocrine, cardiovascular, and inflammatory processes. PNAS 2005; 102(18): 6508-6512.